Coping with Grief and Loss
When someone we love dies, often our own life stops. If we do not grieve, we may stay frozen in pain and sadness. The closer the relationship you had with the person who died, the deeper the grief. Grieving enables our lives to continue.
The Five Stages of Grief
While these stages should not be thought of as resolute — not everyone experiences these stages in the same way or in the same order, if at all — understanding them can help you make sense of the emotions you may be feeling.
Denial refers to the period of grieving during which a person refuses to accept the reality of a situation. Denial is different than not understanding. It is a defense mechanism that helps us protect ourselves from the shock of the upsetting hardship. A period of denial can be normal and even helpful during the grieving process, as we work to process a difficult situation.
- Refusing to accept or acknowledge that a situation has happend
- Refusing or avoiding the topic in conversation
- Stating the loss is not true, or that the source of the news is unreliable.
Once a person comes to understand the information they received, and accepts it's reality, they often experience anger. Anger can be a natural response directed toward oneself, family members, doctors, a higher power or even the deceased. Anger is a normal part of the grieving process, though it may seem hurtful or offensive to loved ones. Often, anger is just a manifestation of grief, and can present itself in various ways.
"Why is this happening to me?"
When we experience grief, we often feel hopeless and overwhelmed. It is common to be overcome by statements of "what if" and "if only," as we experience a loss of control over what is happening. During the bargaining stage of grief, a person attempts to negotiate or make compromises. We try to make agreements with ourselves, or a deal with a higher power, in exchange for feeling less sad or having a different outcome. Bargaining is often irrational.
"Make this not happen, and I will ________."
Depression is a feeling of sadness and hopelessness that often results in the aftermath of a crime. While the earlier stages of grief help to protect us from the emotional pain experienced with loss, often these feelings are inevitable.
"I am too sad to do anything."
Acceptance refers to the period of grief when we finally come to terms with accepting the reality of our loss. When we have reached this stage of acceptance, we no longer deny or struggle against our grief. During this time, we work to focus our energy on celebrating the life of our loved one, cherish the memories that were shared, and make plans for moving forward.
"I have accepted the fact that [insert traumatic event] has happened"
Coping Tips
- Take care of yourself. Eat well balanced meals and get plenty of rest. Get involved in healthy activities. Avoid alcohol and drugs.
- Attempt to regain interest in your normal routines, hobbies and enjoyable interests.
- Avoid making any major life decisions, because those types of events can be very stressful and it may not be the best time to make such decisions.
- You may want to go to your local victim service program, library or bookstore for more information on coping tips.
- Victims often report that they no longer feel safe or secure. Give yourself permission to do whatever you need to feel safe. It’s ok to sleep with the lights on, change the locks, carry pepper spray, or ask someone to accompany you after dark.
- Try to remember experiences that have brought you a sense of peace and comfort in the past and experiment with those things now. Listen to soothing music, get a small indoor water fountain, pet a cat, or spend time in nature. Try new things, such as keeping a journal, or alternative techniques like breathing exercises or gentle yoga stretches, which can calm and center the body and the mind.
Many people who are grieving try to get through one hour at a time, then one day at a time, and sometimes one moment at a time. As you make it through the first few days or weeks, you may want to try some coping strategies, such as creating a memorial, planting a tree, random acts of kindness in memory of your loved one, or do something that can benefit others.